Thinking...

Hi. This has been a tough day. Before I expound (is that right?) on that comment, I must first give thanks to a person who definitely deserves some blog-space.

Eric Ade has been my best friend and boyfriend for a year and two days now (!!!!!) and I am just so thankful for him. On Friday we celebrated our 1 year anniversary with a virtual date, haha, it's true. Since we are miles and miles apart, we decided to hang out all night using ichat & our sweet mac cameras. Sound cheesy and boring? It wasn't. At all. Before we knew it, 4 hours had passed and we hardly noticed! So anyway, I just really want him to know that I feel so blessed to have had his support, friendship, and love for this past year. I hope and pray that we continue to grow together and spend many more years happily together!

Ok, I'm done gushing now. On to other stuff.

I'm not sure that 5 minutes doesn't pass without me thinking about the choice I have to make soon. I knew going into this summer that at the end, I would have to decide if I wanted to move home or pursue opportunities elsewhere. Well, the end of the summer is growing near - and I feel just as hopelessly lost now as I did on May 9th (my first day at SBP). That's not true - now I have friendships here and thoroughly enjoy my internship and could see myself staying there to start my career (I did not have that on May 9th!) For the past few weeks, I've been spending about 50% of my time thinking "I'm staying!" and the other 50% thinking "home... ericmomdadroxyashfriendschurchfamilymrfreezecedarpoint." And the thing is, it's not like I'm wavering during those 50%s, no because that would make sense. In reality, during each of those moments, I am 100% certain that is what I'm going to do. Make sense? Probably not. Are you surprised? I hope not. Anyway, in the last week more and more of the 50% 'I'm staying' moments include some doubt. I'm not going to blog any more than that right now as I don't trust what I'm feeling right now no matter how 100% it feels because I'd hate to have to take it back.

So that's why today has been rough. Also, I decided to fast today. Recently I've been feeling really bogged down by what I eat - quite literally as well as figuratively. Literally, I eat and eat and eat food that does not "do my body good" (a reference to the 90s milk ads). And by figuratively I mean, I seem to run my life based on meals and food. Sounds pretty crazy right? I find it hard to explain so bear with me. I've been feeling like our lives are just completely saturated with food. A trip out with friends almost always includes some sort of food. A trip out by myself usually includes picking up some lunch or dinner or heading to the grocery store. While I'm at my apartment, if I'm bored, I'll find something to eat. On tv - food. On billboards - food. In movies, In the store, at church. Everywhere! Food! At your fingertips, easy to make, easy to order, easy to pay for... ahhhhh!!!!
Eric and I have been reading John and I think that's where this all started. I think it was when we read chapters 5-8 that I noticed it. Even then, food was this all consuming thing (ha, no pun intended) that had people following Jesus just because he fed them. Jesus then used food and drink in chapter 6:

35Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. .."

So food/hunger must have been a pretty powerful thing to these people as well if Jesus chose to use food and drink and hunger as this very very important point. Right, well, if you're still following me, let me get back to why I'm fasting. I think food, for me, has become this way of passing time, this way of choosing how to live. If you know me, you know that I always struggle with how I feel about my body - and food is the villain. By fasting today, I hoped to break some of the ties food has with my mind and with my body, strengthen my self control, and focus on prayer. OH man, I hope this makes sense. If not, then I'm sorry to waste your time!

After all this, I'm going to tell you that I just recently got back from a Mexican restaurant with Tina and Debbie and... I didn't eat a single thing! I went for the company and I went knowing that it would probably be one of the hardest things ever to not eat those tasty chips. On my way there, I prayed for strength and self control - and check it out, I had strength and self control! Happy day!

Thats it for now. I'm hungry.
over n out