Thursday, October 8, 2009


Photo 46

post over at Color Me Katie prompted this posting of a self portrait. And an explanation to go with it I suppose.

For the past couple months, I have been struggling with anxiety off and on. Mostly it will hit around 3 oclock, while I'm at work figuring out what tasks will finish up the rest of my day. I've noticed a few things that seem to incite the same tightening, less-than-panic-but-more-than-calm, uncomfortable feelings.

And they are weird!

First, this blog. Have you taken a look at all the blogs I follow? I used to LOVE looking through all of them. I would take my time picking through each and every one of them - feeling inspired, creative, and relaxed. The first time I felt this 'anxiety' while browsing through my favorite blogs, I remember thinking, "Now this is weird."

Is it that I don't want to miss any? Is it that I feel intimidated by everyone else's greatness and creativity? Is it that I am forcing myself to enjoy something I may not find enjoyment in anymore?

Maybe. Maybe. No.

Blog-xiety? heh...

The other circumstance I find to be anxiety-provoking is the process of placing a lab order at the end of the day. This is odd, but hang with me for a minute. Around 3, when the pressure of the day is wearing thick, when the lunch I enjoyed is starting to put me to sleep, and when the mounting general annoyance of the office hits sky high, I begin to plan out the remaining 2 hours. Usually, I finish up a few photo-retouches and prepare them for a lab order.

Ok seriously, just trying to explain this is giving me hives. Hah... All you need to understand I guess is that it's not a stressful task but my mind seems to think I need to be panicky about it.

Whyyyyyy do I have to put up with these stupid feelings? Why does my heart pound and my breath catch for any other reason than seeing my fiance (ahhh cheesy, but I had to throw it in there!) Why do I feel like something is horribly horribly wrong when I know that it's not!?

Mom says it's hormonal. Well I say it's ANNOYING!

Give me back rationality! Give me back my generally calm demeanor! Give me back my afternoons!

And go AWAY anxiety! Off with you!

1 comment:

Dooser said...

I get a similar feeling when I feel unaccomplished; as if I'm not doing enough during my day. Perhaps I'm not creative enough, or I didn't work hard enough, or my work is unappreciated and I better find some work to do that is appreciated.

It boils down to satisfying myself, not other people. And boy, I have high standards. I suspect that you do too.

When these feelings arise, I don't have a set way of overcoming them. Perhaps because if I did the same thing to overcome them each time, it'd be mundane and uncreative. Sometimes I can get over it by writing a song, listening to music, showering, or as a last resort, going to sleep.

Ultimately, I think it's a sign that you have high standards for yourself, which is a good thing.